DEAR READER'S....IF THERE ARE ANY

i just got a writing job at toggin.com to review/interview local bands. If you still care about what i have to say about bands/music in general, check it out

http://www.toggin.com/features/184/1/Big-Mouth/

Same name, same direction, different website.

Dead Air from Dead Lungs

A diseased grin
to cover
a sharp forked tongue

I would feel better off with healthier lungs

Tearing through can like its my last night in town,
but no matter how much I drink,
I'd rather see it drown

Staying up all night to see
days first light
while this timid timid kid holds on
too tight

The smoke that fills these lungs burns
my eys and drys this tongue

My tongue can't speak the truth but
will say whatever it takes
to get a word with you

Whats Happening Brother?

I hate being sick. If someone tells me "Don't get to close I'm sick," or something along those lines, I don't care. I'll still treat you like a human being and give you a hug. I can't stand it when I get something I know none of my close friends or family members don't have. Getting sick from a complete stranger just erks me. My mom and I are sick. I guess its just that time of the year. I have strep throat, which is easy to get rid of, but it just sucks cause its painful and scratchy. I'm more worried about my mom, because she may have MRSA, a type of infection that's immune to most medicines that are used to treat it (penicillin, etc.). The main symptom of MRSA are red bumps/rashes that develop and look like bad pimples or sores. I hope MRSA isn't the case and I hope she'll be ok. We both have appointments around the same time today (Mom at 11:00, me at 11:45). Hopefully she'll be done by the time I get there so we'll know whats wrong.

- Currrently listening to: Marvin Gaye - Whats Going On
... This record is timeless. Its great for writing/homework or just chillaxing. So sexy and groovy...

Til Kingdom Come

The time between this entry and the last has been monumental. First off, I have a girlfriend now. This is my first serious relationship. Second, I missed Moutheater's record release because of her after promising that I would go. Finally, my back still hurts after a month (i'm actually kinda worried about it). This ugly summer has put on a new face and is starting to look up.

Her names Amanda Leigh Schmitt. I have known her since the 7th grade, and spoker to her only a handful of times in the past 6 years (if I could remember them all, I could probably count them on one hand). I saw her recently at my good friend Cole's birthday party where I again said hey whats up and continued about my business, but my memory decided to remember her the rest off the night. I don't know why, but I wanted to talk to her. She looked like she was having a bad time though and I didn't want to be the guy to have a drunken conversation with a sober girl (if I wanted to make a jackass out of myself, there are plenty of other ways that didn't involve her).
As I drove home that night I wondered if I could get her number and start talking to her that way. Me being me I immediately assumed the worst and tried to predict the future of things. I would text/call her and either of the following would occur:

A. She would already have a boyfriend. This was a long shot because she wasnt with anyone
at the party and Facebook said she was single (yeah I lurked her Facebook page, so
what? Wanna fight about it?)

B. She wouldn't realize that I was trying to date her. Instead I'd be the dreaded guy friend
who is really nice and too good to date.

C. She wouldn't be attracted to me. Complete rejection and utter destruction of my self
esteem would ensue. Ten 12-packs of Dr. Pepper later, I would go about my life
like nothing ever happened.

The first time I went to her house I was so nervous. We planned to take her dogs for a walk to the park, and then get something to eat. Having my luck there was an obstacle. My dad called me on my way to her house. His office building's AC wasn't working so they were sending everyone home and since he takes the bus to work, he needed me to take him to home. At the time I thought this was like a thorn in my eye. "It the first time we're hanging out/getting to know each other and we have to go get my dad from work and ride back with him in the car? NOOOOOO!!!" Granted, reading back what I just wrote I realize how ridiculous my thoughts seem. I don't know why I thought of it as such a big deal. I got to her house and told her that there was a change of plans and we need to be in downtown Portsmouth in fifteen minutes. We raced down there to see my dad getting off the ferry connecting Portsmouth to Norfolk. Of course, the worst never happened and the ride by to Chesapeake was painless. We had a great time playing with her dogs and I took her out to Chik-Fil-A, which is one of her favorite places to eat. I asked her to come to my friend Willie and Andi's July 4th party and she agreed. I was so happy that she agreed to come. It meant to me that there may have been some connection. Then again, it could also be the nightmarish B Situation (See ABC above for the B situation. Did cold shivers run up your back? Me too).

July 4th was great. I cooked out at work and was on the clock most of the time. After stuffing my face at work, I went to Willie's uncle's house and swam, ate, and drank. The water was warm and the beer was cold. Paradise. After awhile we decided to head to Willie and Andi's townhouse and take a nap before the party started. I decided to go home because I'd rather nap in my own bed than share a couch with 2 other guys.
When I returned to their house I was recharged and ready to party. I let Amanda know I was coming to get her soon. I was nervous and excited. I really hoped she would like all my friends (I think more of them as family than friends). I picked her up and took her back to the party. She was wearing this intoxicating perfume that drove me crazy (and on top of all that she is gorgeous. I never would have thought in a million years I would have her in my car taking her to meet my friends).
Amanda is a liqour person, while I'm a beer kinda guy so she didn't want to drink anything that we bought haha. She was a sport and played the drinking games we played, but she wouldn't drink when we weren't playing anything (so I had to drink for her). I honestly couldn't care what other people may say, but alcohol truly is liquid courage. I wasn't planning on asking Amanda out after the second time we've been seeing each other, but good ol' Natural Ice had a different plan. I took her aside and told her that I was crazy about her and have had a long-lasting crush on her since the 7th grade. To my suprise, she felt the same way and I couldn't help but kiss her....and kiss her... and kiss her. I didn't want everyone to be peeping in on our conversation/necking so we went out front to talk about everything. That night was easily one of the happiest nights of my life (much higher on the scale than losing my virginity and lightyears past playing the Norva when I was 14).
After kissing more and talking things out, we knew we had to go back inside. Back into the house filled with my friends who knew exactly what was going on. That made me even happier and i'll admit, I got emotional (I forgot liquid courage dissolves into estrogen). I warned her that I was going to shout out that we're dating to everyone, and she didn't care (lovin' it!) I held her hand as we walked back inside. Everyone stood there looking at us. Dead air. I broke the silence with excitment.
"GUESS WHO'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!?!?!"
Willie pointed at me and yelled "YOU DO!"
The room erupted as my closest friends cheered. It was memorable to say the least. Amanda and I hung around a little longer until she felt like leaving. I drove her home and I couldn't help but get emotional again and kiss her profusely. It was like a dream came true. I was on Cloud 9 (I still am).

I met her parents last night and stayed over at her house watching movies and cuddling on the couch. My mind had been so flooded with Amanda thoughts that I completely forgot about my friend Andrew's band, Moutheater, who was having their record release that night. I accidentally left my phone in the car all night, so when I left I saw that i had about a dozen text messages from people asking 'why the fuck aren't you hear?' It all rushed backed to me and I felt so bad for forgetting. The least I could have done was told people that I wasn't going to make it due to my new relationship. I let Andrew know that I felt terrible for not showing up and leaving everyone guessing as to my whereabouts (Andrew, being the great guy he is, understood). Fortunately, the owner/founder/operator of the record label they're on is an old friend of mine and lives near buy so I plan on getting their Lp sometime soon.

I'm completely changing gears here and I gotta talk about my back. Ever since I was fired from Chesapeake Bay Tree, Inc. my lower back has been killing me. The doctor said that I had overworked it and my muscles are contracted (and stuck like that). I've been taking muscle relaxers and doing these stretches, but its not helping. I hope I didn't permanently screw my back up. That would really put a damper on things.


- Currently listening to: Coldplay - X&Y -
...When you write an entire entry about how head-over-heels you are with a girl, you can't help but listen to 13 love songs...

Its Been A Long Time Coming...

Summer update: June 23, 2009 (I haven't had internet access in awhile, so the date posted is when i wrote it).


I know, I know, I know. Its been about 2 months since I've even touched this thing, and there's so many things to touch upon. My spring semester at VCU is over, and I'm technically a sophmore now, I moved back to Chesapeake for the summer to earn some money, Vicegrip recorded more songs, and life in general is good.

Finals didn't go as well as I planned. I failed my STAT 208 Final and got a D in the class. I got an overall C in Astronomy, and Bs in Human Sprituality and Focused Inquiry II. I did, however, get an A in Consumers in a Consumer Society. My average now is around a 2.6, which isn't good enough by my standards.
As the semester drew to a close, I was actually kind of bummed. I had a great time living with Chad and meeting all the new people I did. It was a great first year of college and I regret very little haha. I got a ride back to Chesapeake the weekend before move out and drove my mom's car back to Richmond so I could actually move. Moving all my stuff was a drag, no because of the physical act of moving, but by packing everything you own your head is flooded with memories of every little item you own. I was packing up a year of excitement into a Honda Accord haha. Surprisingly, it all fit, since I sold most of my belongings over the course of the two semesters when I was low on money. I'll be more prepared this year.
I wanted to say goodbye to all my friends, but it was late and I couldn't see ALL of them. I drove by my friend Mark's house and picked up the remaining Vicegrip shirts. I sat and talked with him a little bit and I realized that Mark's house was the first place I went when I first moved to Richmond, and it was also the last before I left. We gave each other a big hug and vowed to see each other soon.

I began job hunted a few days after returning home. I needed time to get all my stuff unpacked and get life organized. I almost got a job at Farm Fresh. Well, I had a job there, but the employment process takes weeks and weeks, so I just gave up and told them they were wasting my time. I could have had a job and gotten paid by now and they were stringing me a long. The best part of that whole employment process is when I had to take a drug test. I went to the clinic and pee'd in the cup. Something was wrong with the computer so the nurse had to transfer the unrine from one container to the next. She couldn't get the top off and ended up splashing my pee all over her face. It took everything I had in me to stop from laughing. She looked so dissapointed.

I got a job with Chesapeake Bay Tree, Inc as part of the ground crew when they cut down trees. The querky thing about this job is that I didn't go by my first name, Knox. Instead my boss thought it would be best that I go by another name so none of the other crew members would make fun of me. I told him I'd go by Robert and he shortens it down to Rob. The entire time everyone is calling me Rob, and I have a hard time answering to it since its not my name. I roped trees, cut trees, chipped trees, etc. 10 hour days in the hot summer sun is no walk in the park when you're using every muscle in your body to drag full trees to a chipper 15 yards away. I was first told I was going to get paid 100 dollars a day; but when I was handed by money at the end of the week, I was told I was only geting paid 80 a day. that really made me mad but I couldn't think of any other summer jobs that paid that good so I was content and told them I'd see them Monday. I get to the shed where we all met every morning at 7 and started packing up the trucks and fueling up the chainsaws (just like every other day). My boss comes out and tells me I'm fired because he needs to cut back on expenses and I'm the most expendable. I figured it was more along the the lines of I wasn't a heavy-handed good-ol-boy that didn't instinctively know how to operate every kind of machinery. If he really needed to cut back on expenses, he would have told me to not work full days all week. I could've worked less if he asked. He told me I could work that day but it would be my last, I said I would at first, but changed my mind before I got in the truck. I opened the door as my boss climbed into the driver's side. We locked eyes and I slammed the door and started back to my car. "Hey Rob, you outta here bud?" my boss said. I replied with a simple "I'm not your fucking bud." That was the last time I've seen any of those guys. The one guy I got to know pretty well was named Brett. He was my friend Kelsey's aunt's boyfriend, so we had a connection already. Hope Brett's doing ok. The others...fuck 'em.

I'm back at Auto Bell now, which was going to be my backup at first, but I recently got a promotion so I feel that it would be disrespectful if I didn't stay. I make good money on some days, pathetic money on most though. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW GOES TO AUTO BELL, TIP YOUR DAMN DETAILER!

Vicegrip finally recorded 3 new songs at Double O Records for an upcoming split or EP. We replaced Joey Chapman with Philip Duntemann on guitar, and that's all I have to say about that.
The new song are heavier and better constructed than the demo (in my opinion).

Its great to see people I haven't seen since graduation/school started. Getting the gang back together is always a blast. i love my friends like brothers. I miss my friends in Richmond though. i haven't seen them since I left and I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to the majority of them. A visit is needed, but when will I find the time to do it?


- Currently listening to My Bloody Valentine - Loveless.

...This album puts me into a retrospective mood, and is a perfect listening tool for writing about the past...

Arise, My Soul, And Sing

This post is about a song written by the band Have Heart entitled The Same Sun. I really listened and read the lyrics for the first time today and it hit me like a frieght train how much it related to me as of this very moment in my life. This entry is solely dedicated to the friends I hold the closest and have known for about five to six years of my life. I have been on a downward spiral of selfishness, thoughtlessness, meaningless, bitterness and overall poor behavior to the people I hold as close as family, and failed to even realize or see what was going on around me due to my actions. Recently, one of those friends stepped up and told me what was happening that I was too blind to see. If anything, it feels as though the tight grip I believed I had on school, socializing, health, and life in general, was instantly torn at the fingertips. I had no grasp or concept of where I was, or who I could still call friends due to my inability to see what I had been doing (I am not going to say any names or what I did out of repspect and love. Sorry to kill any suspense-boners). All that I could do was slouch to the ground and smoke a cigarette, my first in two weeks, after saying never again.

The lyrics are as follows:

"Son, did you stare too long in front of that mirror?
did it break when your conscience didn't get any clearer
with the stomach you'll fill with all the food you eat
and lack of pain you feel for the eyes that weep
outside your windowsill of the castle where you sleep?

Has the sun stopped shining upon the crown you hang?
has your love and your hate started to feel the same?
did that leave you feeling empty, feeling sick,
feeling as empty as a child's stomach?

As alone and forsaken as you'd like to be
there are shoreless miseries of oceans, not seas
while you wallow and wait in your tower of ivory
your sister is starving, your brother is begging

Your sisters are starving, your brothers are begging
your mothers are mourning, your fathers are folding

Unseen, unsung -- under the same sun

Wake up, look up, there's a warmth up there
a reminder of peace, a reason to care

A reason to care

Wake up, look up, that's something you share

There's more to life than the boy in that mirror...

Wake up, wake up, wake up."

...from the depths of this hell:
where the free are slaves,
no difference between the cowards and brave,
where our love and hate have become the same,
it's time that we "unbecame"...

Where the ears are deaf, and tongues too dry
where the arms don't hold, and seeing eyes go blind

Where nothing is everything
and everything is nothing:

"Arise-my soul, and sing."

Right off the bat the first paragraph was a hard slap of reality. "Did you stand too long infront of that mirror..." was important because I give myself hardlooks in the mirror all the time; trying to see something, some inkling of hope or something I hadn't noticed about myself before. And just like the lyrics ask, my mirror metaphorically broke when I found nothing new or nothing of worth or value. Just me.

The next lyric that spat in my face is "...and the lack of pain you feel for the eyes that weep..." Spot on with with what was happenening. My friends were trying to find the me that they had been missing and I had been just standing there like a moron and ignoring everyone. For no damn reason.

"Has your love and hate started to feel the same?"Yes. Yes it has. I can't fully tell you, anyone, or even myself of what I think about someone. I have made it such a complex and ridiculous thing of the simple question "Do you love/hate this person?" Being the complete asshole that I can be I begin to question and pick apart deep friendships for no reason. Overanalization and judgement is, and will forever be, my ultimate downfall. That is the main thing I have learned from this whole experience and interpreting these lyrics. And just as the lyrics state, they left me feeling empty and sick. Thank God, however, that there can come change:

Wake up, look up, there's a warmth up there
a reminder of peace, a reason to care

A reason to care

Wake up, look up, that's something you share

There's more to life than the boy in that mirror...

Wake up, wake up, wake up."

The lyrics, after slapping and spitting in my face, asking me deep personal questions about how my life is an empty hollow shell, embrace me and tell me that this isn't all that there is. "A reminder of peace, a reason to care." There will be peace. in the midst of the turbulance I wasn't thinking of the end, just the present. To every beginning, there is an end. I had lost that sense. I felt like these chains of guilt were going to keep me tied down forever, constraining my every move and thought. I hadn't begun to think that these near-and-dear friends would ever forgive me or look passed my faults. I began to understand that I was trying to obtain perfection while clearing aside my best friends, not realizing that life was perfect with them close by.
"There's more to life than that boy in the mirror." Although I had spent so much time, spanning over years and years, staring myself down in the mirror, trying to find something unique that wasn't there, it finally fucking dawned on me that those words are absolutely right. Just I have said before, I was looking for perfection. I was looking for acceptance and love from everyone. Its damn-near preposterous to do such a thing. As Aristotle once wisely stated:

"A friend to all is a friend to none."

I had forgotten, until just recently, who my real friends were. These mistakes and mishaps were the effects of me forgetting that. I needed the wake up call. I had put so much energy trying to please everyone and make myself look better that I had forgotten the people that make me happy and ultimately make me a better person. The handful of you know who you are. I love you to no end. There will be no end.

Open Your Big Mouth. Spring is Here.

Good Lord. Life since the last update has been rough, but eventful. Tons of things to bring to the table, so let me list it all out and elaborate in chapters:

- The Funeral (the one I mentioned in the last post but never really talked about)

- United Blood 2009

- Sickness and Health

- Lust for Lust

THE FUNERAL
(Rest in Peace)

Over my spring break a friend of mine had a dead in the family. Her mother had been battling depression for months and months and committed suicide. My friend was also my senior prom date. We had a short-lived fling during high school and as I'm writing this I don't think I ever really got over it. Call me a fag or whatever, but if you knew this girl then you'd understand. She has literally the prettiest smile I have ever seen and a great laugh to compliment it. She has a wonderful peronality and is gorgeous (basically she was out of my league haha).
So I hear this news from my friend's mother, Mrs. D, right before band practice. This shit hits me like a ton of bricks; I am literally stunned. I stand there and look at Mrs. D. Her eyes begin to tear slightly and she clears them with blinks. I just give her a hug, I was going to be late for practice. Its all I can think about the entire way there. What a shocker.
During practice we write two new songs. At the time I hadn't thought of lyrics for them yet. During practice I decided to go out for a cigarette. I keep thinking about my friend and how lost she must feel without her mother. I can't fathom what it must be like not having a mother (and I don't want to until it happens). The second I light up I immediately burst into tears (sue me. I couldn't take it). I wrote lyrics about my relationship with her and her mother. Its called For Those Under Headstones, or just Under Headstones for short. One day I'll put up all the Vicegrip lyrics and pick them apart and tell everyone all about them, but not tonight.

UNITED BLOOD 2009
(Chaos is an Understatement)

What a fucking day this was. Violence Violence Violence. I went the second out of both days. Had a ton of fun, got a lot of cool stuff. I got to see my good friend Mike who I hadn't seen since Moutheater recording. Mike owns and operates Thrashed! Records, check it out and buy some shit, it helps a good dude get something to eat and a place to sleep.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Bitter End. Bitter End were a pleasant suprise for me. I wasn't too stoked at first to see them because I know a ton of meatheads were going to be raging and I wasn't trying to get clobbered. Thankfully, when they played the first chords to Caught off their Mind In Chains album I couldn't help but go apeshit.
  
• Converge: Converge played the best set I have seen them play to date. It was perfect in every way. They played The Saddest Day, which I never thought I would hear live. They also played a new song off the new album they're writing, and it fucking killed.
  

• Pulling Teeth: Pulling Teeth were awesome to me because they were such good sports when the pipe burst. They could have been big babies and whined and complained, but they didn't and resumed playing with a Left For Dead cover. I need to grab a copy of PT's new lp, heard a few songs from it and it rips

• Rise & Fall: I have been getting into them more and more and was stoked to see them lived. Down tuned as fuck, and just as heavy. Although they completely butchered their first song, they made up for it by playing The Noose last. n
  

Now I know what your thinking if you were there that night: "Hey Knox, why did you fail to mention Cro-Mags?" I didn't mention Cro-Mags because I didn't see Cro-Mags. After standing up for 13 hours and being drenched in shit water the last thing I wanted to do is get annihilated by a bunch of jacked dudes pumped on adrenaline. I've seen them before so I knew what was going on as I sat outside enjoy the cool fresh air. After a 5 or 6 songs my roommate, and best boy, Chad came out covered in sweat. Chad motions to the car, saying "Shit was nuts" while wiping the sweat from his head.

SICKNESS AND HEALTH
(The Good, The Bad, and The Snotty)

As I sit in my bed typing this an outstanding fact just popped into my head. I have literally been sick this entire spring semester. The month of January I thought I had the flu, and every month after until this present moment I have had hearing troubles due to inflames tonsils. To make matters worse, its spring, God's cruel joke (in the sense that it is finally nice outside and I have a hard time enjoying it due to allergies and pollen). Seriously God, its not funny. Never has, never will. This brings up and interesting thought about nature. Pollen smells like a mix between fish and semen. Ironically pollen is one tree's "jizz" pollinating another tree's "bark vag." So, ironically, it smells exactly as it should. ZING ON SPRING! Spring is that special time of year when I am surrounded by snotty tissues, trying to shoot Nasonex up my nose but I can't because they are backed up to the Oceanfront, praying for death because it wouldn't be as agonizing as sinus infections, and waddling around the city like a zombie with a nose the color of Stalin's Russia.
In better news: I quit smoking! it is seriously the hardest thing I've done next to working at 711 (which was worse; 711 is an un-toppable Hell). I stopped cold turkey on Monday. it is now Sunday morning; six days later. I am fucking dying. I haven't felt this anxious and nervous since my syphilis bonanza (for details, listen to Vicegrip - Ill Omen and read the lyrics). If you have never smoked and don't know how cessation feels, I will try to explain it: Image that you have a habit that is a large part of your life and who you are. You have developed this habit for almost 3 years and you have it down to a science. Now, imagine stopping that habit on a dime. Just stopping. It feels damn near impossible to start a "counter-habit" of not smoking.
It is a strain to say the least. Besides the constant intense lust for nicotine, I can't breathe as well as I did when I smoked (ironic). I always feel short of breathe and my chest feels compressed. I am also "whiting out" very frequently. For those who don't know what whiting out is: Its the feeling you get and the white splotches you see when you stand up really fast. You get really dizzy and you kinda... White out...

LUST FOR LUST
(The Single-Man is just that. Single)

It has been too damn long. I am sexually dying on the inside. I can't remember the last time I had relations (don't get me wrong, I remember who it was and I remember it being fantastic). What is worse than allergies at Spring time? Spring is the mating season for all life it seems. Whatever survived Winter is so excited about life that it needs to share the love. Its the worst time of year for a single man with allergies. You feel awful and your runny nose is unnatractive. Chris Rock said it best: "Married and bored. Single and lonely." I am definitely lonely.

I have never truly had a relationship. I am one of those people that is truly terrified of commitment. I quit jobs after being there for awhile, move on to something worse, realize how good I had it, and try to come back (1000 thank-yous to Auto Bell for taking me back a third time). I find more pleasure in "the game" of hooking up than the actual act of hooking up. Very few things are more satisfying than getting a girl to sleep with you (the first Dr. Pepper of the day is the end-all-be-all of satisfaction). I'm not trying to sound like a douchebag filled with tools, but its the truth. Think about what really goes on when you sleep with someone. I have the power to go out to a party (for example), meet a girl, and woo them enough that they will take the risk of procreation with me. Can someone say male power trip? You're damn right. I have the power of being able to make a girl come back to my dorm room, take off all her clothes, and have sex with me (disclaimer:I dont get every single girl I mingle with, but that is for the better. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing, so I try and not 'sleep around'. I think that's an all around good idea).
Go ahead and think/say it out loud "This guy's an asshole. He doesn't respect women and is a complete jerk!" Well look here BOZO, I'm just saying what a lot of people are thinking. Yeah, I may be just whining about the lack of sex (or the lack of anything physical in general), but it is getting dumb-long. I'm not relieving stress by smoking anymore, and since I stopped smoking I have started drinking less (because drinking and smoking go together like peas and carrots) so I have all this pent up rage and frustration that only sexual healing can fix. Love Gods and Goddesses, show a little compassion for this lonely soul. I'll be the one with a huge rope of snot hanging out of my nose trying to take my allergy medicine.