Arise, My Soul, And Sing

This post is about a song written by the band Have Heart entitled The Same Sun. I really listened and read the lyrics for the first time today and it hit me like a frieght train how much it related to me as of this very moment in my life. This entry is solely dedicated to the friends I hold the closest and have known for about five to six years of my life. I have been on a downward spiral of selfishness, thoughtlessness, meaningless, bitterness and overall poor behavior to the people I hold as close as family, and failed to even realize or see what was going on around me due to my actions. Recently, one of those friends stepped up and told me what was happening that I was too blind to see. If anything, it feels as though the tight grip I believed I had on school, socializing, health, and life in general, was instantly torn at the fingertips. I had no grasp or concept of where I was, or who I could still call friends due to my inability to see what I had been doing (I am not going to say any names or what I did out of repspect and love. Sorry to kill any suspense-boners). All that I could do was slouch to the ground and smoke a cigarette, my first in two weeks, after saying never again.

The lyrics are as follows:

"Son, did you stare too long in front of that mirror?
did it break when your conscience didn't get any clearer
with the stomach you'll fill with all the food you eat
and lack of pain you feel for the eyes that weep
outside your windowsill of the castle where you sleep?

Has the sun stopped shining upon the crown you hang?
has your love and your hate started to feel the same?
did that leave you feeling empty, feeling sick,
feeling as empty as a child's stomach?

As alone and forsaken as you'd like to be
there are shoreless miseries of oceans, not seas
while you wallow and wait in your tower of ivory
your sister is starving, your brother is begging

Your sisters are starving, your brothers are begging
your mothers are mourning, your fathers are folding

Unseen, unsung -- under the same sun

Wake up, look up, there's a warmth up there
a reminder of peace, a reason to care

A reason to care

Wake up, look up, that's something you share

There's more to life than the boy in that mirror...

Wake up, wake up, wake up."

...from the depths of this hell:
where the free are slaves,
no difference between the cowards and brave,
where our love and hate have become the same,
it's time that we "unbecame"...

Where the ears are deaf, and tongues too dry
where the arms don't hold, and seeing eyes go blind

Where nothing is everything
and everything is nothing:

"Arise-my soul, and sing."

Right off the bat the first paragraph was a hard slap of reality. "Did you stand too long infront of that mirror..." was important because I give myself hardlooks in the mirror all the time; trying to see something, some inkling of hope or something I hadn't noticed about myself before. And just like the lyrics ask, my mirror metaphorically broke when I found nothing new or nothing of worth or value. Just me.

The next lyric that spat in my face is "...and the lack of pain you feel for the eyes that weep..." Spot on with with what was happenening. My friends were trying to find the me that they had been missing and I had been just standing there like a moron and ignoring everyone. For no damn reason.

"Has your love and hate started to feel the same?"Yes. Yes it has. I can't fully tell you, anyone, or even myself of what I think about someone. I have made it such a complex and ridiculous thing of the simple question "Do you love/hate this person?" Being the complete asshole that I can be I begin to question and pick apart deep friendships for no reason. Overanalization and judgement is, and will forever be, my ultimate downfall. That is the main thing I have learned from this whole experience and interpreting these lyrics. And just as the lyrics state, they left me feeling empty and sick. Thank God, however, that there can come change:

Wake up, look up, there's a warmth up there
a reminder of peace, a reason to care

A reason to care

Wake up, look up, that's something you share

There's more to life than the boy in that mirror...

Wake up, wake up, wake up."

The lyrics, after slapping and spitting in my face, asking me deep personal questions about how my life is an empty hollow shell, embrace me and tell me that this isn't all that there is. "A reminder of peace, a reason to care." There will be peace. in the midst of the turbulance I wasn't thinking of the end, just the present. To every beginning, there is an end. I had lost that sense. I felt like these chains of guilt were going to keep me tied down forever, constraining my every move and thought. I hadn't begun to think that these near-and-dear friends would ever forgive me or look passed my faults. I began to understand that I was trying to obtain perfection while clearing aside my best friends, not realizing that life was perfect with them close by.
"There's more to life than that boy in the mirror." Although I had spent so much time, spanning over years and years, staring myself down in the mirror, trying to find something unique that wasn't there, it finally fucking dawned on me that those words are absolutely right. Just I have said before, I was looking for perfection. I was looking for acceptance and love from everyone. Its damn-near preposterous to do such a thing. As Aristotle once wisely stated:

"A friend to all is a friend to none."

I had forgotten, until just recently, who my real friends were. These mistakes and mishaps were the effects of me forgetting that. I needed the wake up call. I had put so much energy trying to please everyone and make myself look better that I had forgotten the people that make me happy and ultimately make me a better person. The handful of you know who you are. I love you to no end. There will be no end.

Open Your Big Mouth. Spring is Here.

Good Lord. Life since the last update has been rough, but eventful. Tons of things to bring to the table, so let me list it all out and elaborate in chapters:

- The Funeral (the one I mentioned in the last post but never really talked about)

- United Blood 2009

- Sickness and Health

- Lust for Lust

THE FUNERAL
(Rest in Peace)

Over my spring break a friend of mine had a dead in the family. Her mother had been battling depression for months and months and committed suicide. My friend was also my senior prom date. We had a short-lived fling during high school and as I'm writing this I don't think I ever really got over it. Call me a fag or whatever, but if you knew this girl then you'd understand. She has literally the prettiest smile I have ever seen and a great laugh to compliment it. She has a wonderful peronality and is gorgeous (basically she was out of my league haha).
So I hear this news from my friend's mother, Mrs. D, right before band practice. This shit hits me like a ton of bricks; I am literally stunned. I stand there and look at Mrs. D. Her eyes begin to tear slightly and she clears them with blinks. I just give her a hug, I was going to be late for practice. Its all I can think about the entire way there. What a shocker.
During practice we write two new songs. At the time I hadn't thought of lyrics for them yet. During practice I decided to go out for a cigarette. I keep thinking about my friend and how lost she must feel without her mother. I can't fathom what it must be like not having a mother (and I don't want to until it happens). The second I light up I immediately burst into tears (sue me. I couldn't take it). I wrote lyrics about my relationship with her and her mother. Its called For Those Under Headstones, or just Under Headstones for short. One day I'll put up all the Vicegrip lyrics and pick them apart and tell everyone all about them, but not tonight.

UNITED BLOOD 2009
(Chaos is an Understatement)

What a fucking day this was. Violence Violence Violence. I went the second out of both days. Had a ton of fun, got a lot of cool stuff. I got to see my good friend Mike who I hadn't seen since Moutheater recording. Mike owns and operates Thrashed! Records, check it out and buy some shit, it helps a good dude get something to eat and a place to sleep.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Bitter End. Bitter End were a pleasant suprise for me. I wasn't too stoked at first to see them because I know a ton of meatheads were going to be raging and I wasn't trying to get clobbered. Thankfully, when they played the first chords to Caught off their Mind In Chains album I couldn't help but go apeshit.
  
• Converge: Converge played the best set I have seen them play to date. It was perfect in every way. They played The Saddest Day, which I never thought I would hear live. They also played a new song off the new album they're writing, and it fucking killed.
  

• Pulling Teeth: Pulling Teeth were awesome to me because they were such good sports when the pipe burst. They could have been big babies and whined and complained, but they didn't and resumed playing with a Left For Dead cover. I need to grab a copy of PT's new lp, heard a few songs from it and it rips

• Rise & Fall: I have been getting into them more and more and was stoked to see them lived. Down tuned as fuck, and just as heavy. Although they completely butchered their first song, they made up for it by playing The Noose last. n
  

Now I know what your thinking if you were there that night: "Hey Knox, why did you fail to mention Cro-Mags?" I didn't mention Cro-Mags because I didn't see Cro-Mags. After standing up for 13 hours and being drenched in shit water the last thing I wanted to do is get annihilated by a bunch of jacked dudes pumped on adrenaline. I've seen them before so I knew what was going on as I sat outside enjoy the cool fresh air. After a 5 or 6 songs my roommate, and best boy, Chad came out covered in sweat. Chad motions to the car, saying "Shit was nuts" while wiping the sweat from his head.

SICKNESS AND HEALTH
(The Good, The Bad, and The Snotty)

As I sit in my bed typing this an outstanding fact just popped into my head. I have literally been sick this entire spring semester. The month of January I thought I had the flu, and every month after until this present moment I have had hearing troubles due to inflames tonsils. To make matters worse, its spring, God's cruel joke (in the sense that it is finally nice outside and I have a hard time enjoying it due to allergies and pollen). Seriously God, its not funny. Never has, never will. This brings up and interesting thought about nature. Pollen smells like a mix between fish and semen. Ironically pollen is one tree's "jizz" pollinating another tree's "bark vag." So, ironically, it smells exactly as it should. ZING ON SPRING! Spring is that special time of year when I am surrounded by snotty tissues, trying to shoot Nasonex up my nose but I can't because they are backed up to the Oceanfront, praying for death because it wouldn't be as agonizing as sinus infections, and waddling around the city like a zombie with a nose the color of Stalin's Russia.
In better news: I quit smoking! it is seriously the hardest thing I've done next to working at 711 (which was worse; 711 is an un-toppable Hell). I stopped cold turkey on Monday. it is now Sunday morning; six days later. I am fucking dying. I haven't felt this anxious and nervous since my syphilis bonanza (for details, listen to Vicegrip - Ill Omen and read the lyrics). If you have never smoked and don't know how cessation feels, I will try to explain it: Image that you have a habit that is a large part of your life and who you are. You have developed this habit for almost 3 years and you have it down to a science. Now, imagine stopping that habit on a dime. Just stopping. It feels damn near impossible to start a "counter-habit" of not smoking.
It is a strain to say the least. Besides the constant intense lust for nicotine, I can't breathe as well as I did when I smoked (ironic). I always feel short of breathe and my chest feels compressed. I am also "whiting out" very frequently. For those who don't know what whiting out is: Its the feeling you get and the white splotches you see when you stand up really fast. You get really dizzy and you kinda... White out...

LUST FOR LUST
(The Single-Man is just that. Single)

It has been too damn long. I am sexually dying on the inside. I can't remember the last time I had relations (don't get me wrong, I remember who it was and I remember it being fantastic). What is worse than allergies at Spring time? Spring is the mating season for all life it seems. Whatever survived Winter is so excited about life that it needs to share the love. Its the worst time of year for a single man with allergies. You feel awful and your runny nose is unnatractive. Chris Rock said it best: "Married and bored. Single and lonely." I am definitely lonely.

I have never truly had a relationship. I am one of those people that is truly terrified of commitment. I quit jobs after being there for awhile, move on to something worse, realize how good I had it, and try to come back (1000 thank-yous to Auto Bell for taking me back a third time). I find more pleasure in "the game" of hooking up than the actual act of hooking up. Very few things are more satisfying than getting a girl to sleep with you (the first Dr. Pepper of the day is the end-all-be-all of satisfaction). I'm not trying to sound like a douchebag filled with tools, but its the truth. Think about what really goes on when you sleep with someone. I have the power to go out to a party (for example), meet a girl, and woo them enough that they will take the risk of procreation with me. Can someone say male power trip? You're damn right. I have the power of being able to make a girl come back to my dorm room, take off all her clothes, and have sex with me (disclaimer:I dont get every single girl I mingle with, but that is for the better. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing, so I try and not 'sleep around'. I think that's an all around good idea).
Go ahead and think/say it out loud "This guy's an asshole. He doesn't respect women and is a complete jerk!" Well look here BOZO, I'm just saying what a lot of people are thinking. Yeah, I may be just whining about the lack of sex (or the lack of anything physical in general), but it is getting dumb-long. I'm not relieving stress by smoking anymore, and since I stopped smoking I have started drinking less (because drinking and smoking go together like peas and carrots) so I have all this pent up rage and frustration that only sexual healing can fix. Love Gods and Goddesses, show a little compassion for this lonely soul. I'll be the one with a huge rope of snot hanging out of my nose trying to take my allergy medicine.