DEAR READER'S....IF THERE ARE ANY

i just got a writing job at toggin.com to review/interview local bands. If you still care about what i have to say about bands/music in general, check it out

http://www.toggin.com/features/184/1/Big-Mouth/

Same name, same direction, different website.

Dead Air from Dead Lungs

A diseased grin
to cover
a sharp forked tongue

I would feel better off with healthier lungs

Tearing through can like its my last night in town,
but no matter how much I drink,
I'd rather see it drown

Staying up all night to see
days first light
while this timid timid kid holds on
too tight

The smoke that fills these lungs burns
my eys and drys this tongue

My tongue can't speak the truth but
will say whatever it takes
to get a word with you

Whats Happening Brother?

I hate being sick. If someone tells me "Don't get to close I'm sick," or something along those lines, I don't care. I'll still treat you like a human being and give you a hug. I can't stand it when I get something I know none of my close friends or family members don't have. Getting sick from a complete stranger just erks me. My mom and I are sick. I guess its just that time of the year. I have strep throat, which is easy to get rid of, but it just sucks cause its painful and scratchy. I'm more worried about my mom, because she may have MRSA, a type of infection that's immune to most medicines that are used to treat it (penicillin, etc.). The main symptom of MRSA are red bumps/rashes that develop and look like bad pimples or sores. I hope MRSA isn't the case and I hope she'll be ok. We both have appointments around the same time today (Mom at 11:00, me at 11:45). Hopefully she'll be done by the time I get there so we'll know whats wrong.

- Currrently listening to: Marvin Gaye - Whats Going On
... This record is timeless. Its great for writing/homework or just chillaxing. So sexy and groovy...

Til Kingdom Come

The time between this entry and the last has been monumental. First off, I have a girlfriend now. This is my first serious relationship. Second, I missed Moutheater's record release because of her after promising that I would go. Finally, my back still hurts after a month (i'm actually kinda worried about it). This ugly summer has put on a new face and is starting to look up.

Her names Amanda Leigh Schmitt. I have known her since the 7th grade, and spoker to her only a handful of times in the past 6 years (if I could remember them all, I could probably count them on one hand). I saw her recently at my good friend Cole's birthday party where I again said hey whats up and continued about my business, but my memory decided to remember her the rest off the night. I don't know why, but I wanted to talk to her. She looked like she was having a bad time though and I didn't want to be the guy to have a drunken conversation with a sober girl (if I wanted to make a jackass out of myself, there are plenty of other ways that didn't involve her).
As I drove home that night I wondered if I could get her number and start talking to her that way. Me being me I immediately assumed the worst and tried to predict the future of things. I would text/call her and either of the following would occur:

A. She would already have a boyfriend. This was a long shot because she wasnt with anyone
at the party and Facebook said she was single (yeah I lurked her Facebook page, so
what? Wanna fight about it?)

B. She wouldn't realize that I was trying to date her. Instead I'd be the dreaded guy friend
who is really nice and too good to date.

C. She wouldn't be attracted to me. Complete rejection and utter destruction of my self
esteem would ensue. Ten 12-packs of Dr. Pepper later, I would go about my life
like nothing ever happened.

The first time I went to her house I was so nervous. We planned to take her dogs for a walk to the park, and then get something to eat. Having my luck there was an obstacle. My dad called me on my way to her house. His office building's AC wasn't working so they were sending everyone home and since he takes the bus to work, he needed me to take him to home. At the time I thought this was like a thorn in my eye. "It the first time we're hanging out/getting to know each other and we have to go get my dad from work and ride back with him in the car? NOOOOOO!!!" Granted, reading back what I just wrote I realize how ridiculous my thoughts seem. I don't know why I thought of it as such a big deal. I got to her house and told her that there was a change of plans and we need to be in downtown Portsmouth in fifteen minutes. We raced down there to see my dad getting off the ferry connecting Portsmouth to Norfolk. Of course, the worst never happened and the ride by to Chesapeake was painless. We had a great time playing with her dogs and I took her out to Chik-Fil-A, which is one of her favorite places to eat. I asked her to come to my friend Willie and Andi's July 4th party and she agreed. I was so happy that she agreed to come. It meant to me that there may have been some connection. Then again, it could also be the nightmarish B Situation (See ABC above for the B situation. Did cold shivers run up your back? Me too).

July 4th was great. I cooked out at work and was on the clock most of the time. After stuffing my face at work, I went to Willie's uncle's house and swam, ate, and drank. The water was warm and the beer was cold. Paradise. After awhile we decided to head to Willie and Andi's townhouse and take a nap before the party started. I decided to go home because I'd rather nap in my own bed than share a couch with 2 other guys.
When I returned to their house I was recharged and ready to party. I let Amanda know I was coming to get her soon. I was nervous and excited. I really hoped she would like all my friends (I think more of them as family than friends). I picked her up and took her back to the party. She was wearing this intoxicating perfume that drove me crazy (and on top of all that she is gorgeous. I never would have thought in a million years I would have her in my car taking her to meet my friends).
Amanda is a liqour person, while I'm a beer kinda guy so she didn't want to drink anything that we bought haha. She was a sport and played the drinking games we played, but she wouldn't drink when we weren't playing anything (so I had to drink for her). I honestly couldn't care what other people may say, but alcohol truly is liquid courage. I wasn't planning on asking Amanda out after the second time we've been seeing each other, but good ol' Natural Ice had a different plan. I took her aside and told her that I was crazy about her and have had a long-lasting crush on her since the 7th grade. To my suprise, she felt the same way and I couldn't help but kiss her....and kiss her... and kiss her. I didn't want everyone to be peeping in on our conversation/necking so we went out front to talk about everything. That night was easily one of the happiest nights of my life (much higher on the scale than losing my virginity and lightyears past playing the Norva when I was 14).
After kissing more and talking things out, we knew we had to go back inside. Back into the house filled with my friends who knew exactly what was going on. That made me even happier and i'll admit, I got emotional (I forgot liquid courage dissolves into estrogen). I warned her that I was going to shout out that we're dating to everyone, and she didn't care (lovin' it!) I held her hand as we walked back inside. Everyone stood there looking at us. Dead air. I broke the silence with excitment.
"GUESS WHO'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!?!?!"
Willie pointed at me and yelled "YOU DO!"
The room erupted as my closest friends cheered. It was memorable to say the least. Amanda and I hung around a little longer until she felt like leaving. I drove her home and I couldn't help but get emotional again and kiss her profusely. It was like a dream came true. I was on Cloud 9 (I still am).

I met her parents last night and stayed over at her house watching movies and cuddling on the couch. My mind had been so flooded with Amanda thoughts that I completely forgot about my friend Andrew's band, Moutheater, who was having their record release that night. I accidentally left my phone in the car all night, so when I left I saw that i had about a dozen text messages from people asking 'why the fuck aren't you hear?' It all rushed backed to me and I felt so bad for forgetting. The least I could have done was told people that I wasn't going to make it due to my new relationship. I let Andrew know that I felt terrible for not showing up and leaving everyone guessing as to my whereabouts (Andrew, being the great guy he is, understood). Fortunately, the owner/founder/operator of the record label they're on is an old friend of mine and lives near buy so I plan on getting their Lp sometime soon.

I'm completely changing gears here and I gotta talk about my back. Ever since I was fired from Chesapeake Bay Tree, Inc. my lower back has been killing me. The doctor said that I had overworked it and my muscles are contracted (and stuck like that). I've been taking muscle relaxers and doing these stretches, but its not helping. I hope I didn't permanently screw my back up. That would really put a damper on things.


- Currently listening to: Coldplay - X&Y -
...When you write an entire entry about how head-over-heels you are with a girl, you can't help but listen to 13 love songs...

Its Been A Long Time Coming...

Summer update: June 23, 2009 (I haven't had internet access in awhile, so the date posted is when i wrote it).


I know, I know, I know. Its been about 2 months since I've even touched this thing, and there's so many things to touch upon. My spring semester at VCU is over, and I'm technically a sophmore now, I moved back to Chesapeake for the summer to earn some money, Vicegrip recorded more songs, and life in general is good.

Finals didn't go as well as I planned. I failed my STAT 208 Final and got a D in the class. I got an overall C in Astronomy, and Bs in Human Sprituality and Focused Inquiry II. I did, however, get an A in Consumers in a Consumer Society. My average now is around a 2.6, which isn't good enough by my standards.
As the semester drew to a close, I was actually kind of bummed. I had a great time living with Chad and meeting all the new people I did. It was a great first year of college and I regret very little haha. I got a ride back to Chesapeake the weekend before move out and drove my mom's car back to Richmond so I could actually move. Moving all my stuff was a drag, no because of the physical act of moving, but by packing everything you own your head is flooded with memories of every little item you own. I was packing up a year of excitement into a Honda Accord haha. Surprisingly, it all fit, since I sold most of my belongings over the course of the two semesters when I was low on money. I'll be more prepared this year.
I wanted to say goodbye to all my friends, but it was late and I couldn't see ALL of them. I drove by my friend Mark's house and picked up the remaining Vicegrip shirts. I sat and talked with him a little bit and I realized that Mark's house was the first place I went when I first moved to Richmond, and it was also the last before I left. We gave each other a big hug and vowed to see each other soon.

I began job hunted a few days after returning home. I needed time to get all my stuff unpacked and get life organized. I almost got a job at Farm Fresh. Well, I had a job there, but the employment process takes weeks and weeks, so I just gave up and told them they were wasting my time. I could have had a job and gotten paid by now and they were stringing me a long. The best part of that whole employment process is when I had to take a drug test. I went to the clinic and pee'd in the cup. Something was wrong with the computer so the nurse had to transfer the unrine from one container to the next. She couldn't get the top off and ended up splashing my pee all over her face. It took everything I had in me to stop from laughing. She looked so dissapointed.

I got a job with Chesapeake Bay Tree, Inc as part of the ground crew when they cut down trees. The querky thing about this job is that I didn't go by my first name, Knox. Instead my boss thought it would be best that I go by another name so none of the other crew members would make fun of me. I told him I'd go by Robert and he shortens it down to Rob. The entire time everyone is calling me Rob, and I have a hard time answering to it since its not my name. I roped trees, cut trees, chipped trees, etc. 10 hour days in the hot summer sun is no walk in the park when you're using every muscle in your body to drag full trees to a chipper 15 yards away. I was first told I was going to get paid 100 dollars a day; but when I was handed by money at the end of the week, I was told I was only geting paid 80 a day. that really made me mad but I couldn't think of any other summer jobs that paid that good so I was content and told them I'd see them Monday. I get to the shed where we all met every morning at 7 and started packing up the trucks and fueling up the chainsaws (just like every other day). My boss comes out and tells me I'm fired because he needs to cut back on expenses and I'm the most expendable. I figured it was more along the the lines of I wasn't a heavy-handed good-ol-boy that didn't instinctively know how to operate every kind of machinery. If he really needed to cut back on expenses, he would have told me to not work full days all week. I could've worked less if he asked. He told me I could work that day but it would be my last, I said I would at first, but changed my mind before I got in the truck. I opened the door as my boss climbed into the driver's side. We locked eyes and I slammed the door and started back to my car. "Hey Rob, you outta here bud?" my boss said. I replied with a simple "I'm not your fucking bud." That was the last time I've seen any of those guys. The one guy I got to know pretty well was named Brett. He was my friend Kelsey's aunt's boyfriend, so we had a connection already. Hope Brett's doing ok. The others...fuck 'em.

I'm back at Auto Bell now, which was going to be my backup at first, but I recently got a promotion so I feel that it would be disrespectful if I didn't stay. I make good money on some days, pathetic money on most though. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW GOES TO AUTO BELL, TIP YOUR DAMN DETAILER!

Vicegrip finally recorded 3 new songs at Double O Records for an upcoming split or EP. We replaced Joey Chapman with Philip Duntemann on guitar, and that's all I have to say about that.
The new song are heavier and better constructed than the demo (in my opinion).

Its great to see people I haven't seen since graduation/school started. Getting the gang back together is always a blast. i love my friends like brothers. I miss my friends in Richmond though. i haven't seen them since I left and I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to the majority of them. A visit is needed, but when will I find the time to do it?


- Currently listening to My Bloody Valentine - Loveless.

...This album puts me into a retrospective mood, and is a perfect listening tool for writing about the past...

Arise, My Soul, And Sing

This post is about a song written by the band Have Heart entitled The Same Sun. I really listened and read the lyrics for the first time today and it hit me like a frieght train how much it related to me as of this very moment in my life. This entry is solely dedicated to the friends I hold the closest and have known for about five to six years of my life. I have been on a downward spiral of selfishness, thoughtlessness, meaningless, bitterness and overall poor behavior to the people I hold as close as family, and failed to even realize or see what was going on around me due to my actions. Recently, one of those friends stepped up and told me what was happening that I was too blind to see. If anything, it feels as though the tight grip I believed I had on school, socializing, health, and life in general, was instantly torn at the fingertips. I had no grasp or concept of where I was, or who I could still call friends due to my inability to see what I had been doing (I am not going to say any names or what I did out of repspect and love. Sorry to kill any suspense-boners). All that I could do was slouch to the ground and smoke a cigarette, my first in two weeks, after saying never again.

The lyrics are as follows:

"Son, did you stare too long in front of that mirror?
did it break when your conscience didn't get any clearer
with the stomach you'll fill with all the food you eat
and lack of pain you feel for the eyes that weep
outside your windowsill of the castle where you sleep?

Has the sun stopped shining upon the crown you hang?
has your love and your hate started to feel the same?
did that leave you feeling empty, feeling sick,
feeling as empty as a child's stomach?

As alone and forsaken as you'd like to be
there are shoreless miseries of oceans, not seas
while you wallow and wait in your tower of ivory
your sister is starving, your brother is begging

Your sisters are starving, your brothers are begging
your mothers are mourning, your fathers are folding

Unseen, unsung -- under the same sun

Wake up, look up, there's a warmth up there
a reminder of peace, a reason to care

A reason to care

Wake up, look up, that's something you share

There's more to life than the boy in that mirror...

Wake up, wake up, wake up."

...from the depths of this hell:
where the free are slaves,
no difference between the cowards and brave,
where our love and hate have become the same,
it's time that we "unbecame"...

Where the ears are deaf, and tongues too dry
where the arms don't hold, and seeing eyes go blind

Where nothing is everything
and everything is nothing:

"Arise-my soul, and sing."

Right off the bat the first paragraph was a hard slap of reality. "Did you stand too long infront of that mirror..." was important because I give myself hardlooks in the mirror all the time; trying to see something, some inkling of hope or something I hadn't noticed about myself before. And just like the lyrics ask, my mirror metaphorically broke when I found nothing new or nothing of worth or value. Just me.

The next lyric that spat in my face is "...and the lack of pain you feel for the eyes that weep..." Spot on with with what was happenening. My friends were trying to find the me that they had been missing and I had been just standing there like a moron and ignoring everyone. For no damn reason.

"Has your love and hate started to feel the same?"Yes. Yes it has. I can't fully tell you, anyone, or even myself of what I think about someone. I have made it such a complex and ridiculous thing of the simple question "Do you love/hate this person?" Being the complete asshole that I can be I begin to question and pick apart deep friendships for no reason. Overanalization and judgement is, and will forever be, my ultimate downfall. That is the main thing I have learned from this whole experience and interpreting these lyrics. And just as the lyrics state, they left me feeling empty and sick. Thank God, however, that there can come change:

Wake up, look up, there's a warmth up there
a reminder of peace, a reason to care

A reason to care

Wake up, look up, that's something you share

There's more to life than the boy in that mirror...

Wake up, wake up, wake up."

The lyrics, after slapping and spitting in my face, asking me deep personal questions about how my life is an empty hollow shell, embrace me and tell me that this isn't all that there is. "A reminder of peace, a reason to care." There will be peace. in the midst of the turbulance I wasn't thinking of the end, just the present. To every beginning, there is an end. I had lost that sense. I felt like these chains of guilt were going to keep me tied down forever, constraining my every move and thought. I hadn't begun to think that these near-and-dear friends would ever forgive me or look passed my faults. I began to understand that I was trying to obtain perfection while clearing aside my best friends, not realizing that life was perfect with them close by.
"There's more to life than that boy in the mirror." Although I had spent so much time, spanning over years and years, staring myself down in the mirror, trying to find something unique that wasn't there, it finally fucking dawned on me that those words are absolutely right. Just I have said before, I was looking for perfection. I was looking for acceptance and love from everyone. Its damn-near preposterous to do such a thing. As Aristotle once wisely stated:

"A friend to all is a friend to none."

I had forgotten, until just recently, who my real friends were. These mistakes and mishaps were the effects of me forgetting that. I needed the wake up call. I had put so much energy trying to please everyone and make myself look better that I had forgotten the people that make me happy and ultimately make me a better person. The handful of you know who you are. I love you to no end. There will be no end.

Open Your Big Mouth. Spring is Here.

Good Lord. Life since the last update has been rough, but eventful. Tons of things to bring to the table, so let me list it all out and elaborate in chapters:

- The Funeral (the one I mentioned in the last post but never really talked about)

- United Blood 2009

- Sickness and Health

- Lust for Lust

THE FUNERAL
(Rest in Peace)

Over my spring break a friend of mine had a dead in the family. Her mother had been battling depression for months and months and committed suicide. My friend was also my senior prom date. We had a short-lived fling during high school and as I'm writing this I don't think I ever really got over it. Call me a fag or whatever, but if you knew this girl then you'd understand. She has literally the prettiest smile I have ever seen and a great laugh to compliment it. She has a wonderful peronality and is gorgeous (basically she was out of my league haha).
So I hear this news from my friend's mother, Mrs. D, right before band practice. This shit hits me like a ton of bricks; I am literally stunned. I stand there and look at Mrs. D. Her eyes begin to tear slightly and she clears them with blinks. I just give her a hug, I was going to be late for practice. Its all I can think about the entire way there. What a shocker.
During practice we write two new songs. At the time I hadn't thought of lyrics for them yet. During practice I decided to go out for a cigarette. I keep thinking about my friend and how lost she must feel without her mother. I can't fathom what it must be like not having a mother (and I don't want to until it happens). The second I light up I immediately burst into tears (sue me. I couldn't take it). I wrote lyrics about my relationship with her and her mother. Its called For Those Under Headstones, or just Under Headstones for short. One day I'll put up all the Vicegrip lyrics and pick them apart and tell everyone all about them, but not tonight.

UNITED BLOOD 2009
(Chaos is an Understatement)

What a fucking day this was. Violence Violence Violence. I went the second out of both days. Had a ton of fun, got a lot of cool stuff. I got to see my good friend Mike who I hadn't seen since Moutheater recording. Mike owns and operates Thrashed! Records, check it out and buy some shit, it helps a good dude get something to eat and a place to sleep.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Bitter End. Bitter End were a pleasant suprise for me. I wasn't too stoked at first to see them because I know a ton of meatheads were going to be raging and I wasn't trying to get clobbered. Thankfully, when they played the first chords to Caught off their Mind In Chains album I couldn't help but go apeshit.
  
• Converge: Converge played the best set I have seen them play to date. It was perfect in every way. They played The Saddest Day, which I never thought I would hear live. They also played a new song off the new album they're writing, and it fucking killed.
  

• Pulling Teeth: Pulling Teeth were awesome to me because they were such good sports when the pipe burst. They could have been big babies and whined and complained, but they didn't and resumed playing with a Left For Dead cover. I need to grab a copy of PT's new lp, heard a few songs from it and it rips

• Rise & Fall: I have been getting into them more and more and was stoked to see them lived. Down tuned as fuck, and just as heavy. Although they completely butchered their first song, they made up for it by playing The Noose last. n
  

Now I know what your thinking if you were there that night: "Hey Knox, why did you fail to mention Cro-Mags?" I didn't mention Cro-Mags because I didn't see Cro-Mags. After standing up for 13 hours and being drenched in shit water the last thing I wanted to do is get annihilated by a bunch of jacked dudes pumped on adrenaline. I've seen them before so I knew what was going on as I sat outside enjoy the cool fresh air. After a 5 or 6 songs my roommate, and best boy, Chad came out covered in sweat. Chad motions to the car, saying "Shit was nuts" while wiping the sweat from his head.

SICKNESS AND HEALTH
(The Good, The Bad, and The Snotty)

As I sit in my bed typing this an outstanding fact just popped into my head. I have literally been sick this entire spring semester. The month of January I thought I had the flu, and every month after until this present moment I have had hearing troubles due to inflames tonsils. To make matters worse, its spring, God's cruel joke (in the sense that it is finally nice outside and I have a hard time enjoying it due to allergies and pollen). Seriously God, its not funny. Never has, never will. This brings up and interesting thought about nature. Pollen smells like a mix between fish and semen. Ironically pollen is one tree's "jizz" pollinating another tree's "bark vag." So, ironically, it smells exactly as it should. ZING ON SPRING! Spring is that special time of year when I am surrounded by snotty tissues, trying to shoot Nasonex up my nose but I can't because they are backed up to the Oceanfront, praying for death because it wouldn't be as agonizing as sinus infections, and waddling around the city like a zombie with a nose the color of Stalin's Russia.
In better news: I quit smoking! it is seriously the hardest thing I've done next to working at 711 (which was worse; 711 is an un-toppable Hell). I stopped cold turkey on Monday. it is now Sunday morning; six days later. I am fucking dying. I haven't felt this anxious and nervous since my syphilis bonanza (for details, listen to Vicegrip - Ill Omen and read the lyrics). If you have never smoked and don't know how cessation feels, I will try to explain it: Image that you have a habit that is a large part of your life and who you are. You have developed this habit for almost 3 years and you have it down to a science. Now, imagine stopping that habit on a dime. Just stopping. It feels damn near impossible to start a "counter-habit" of not smoking.
It is a strain to say the least. Besides the constant intense lust for nicotine, I can't breathe as well as I did when I smoked (ironic). I always feel short of breathe and my chest feels compressed. I am also "whiting out" very frequently. For those who don't know what whiting out is: Its the feeling you get and the white splotches you see when you stand up really fast. You get really dizzy and you kinda... White out...

LUST FOR LUST
(The Single-Man is just that. Single)

It has been too damn long. I am sexually dying on the inside. I can't remember the last time I had relations (don't get me wrong, I remember who it was and I remember it being fantastic). What is worse than allergies at Spring time? Spring is the mating season for all life it seems. Whatever survived Winter is so excited about life that it needs to share the love. Its the worst time of year for a single man with allergies. You feel awful and your runny nose is unnatractive. Chris Rock said it best: "Married and bored. Single and lonely." I am definitely lonely.

I have never truly had a relationship. I am one of those people that is truly terrified of commitment. I quit jobs after being there for awhile, move on to something worse, realize how good I had it, and try to come back (1000 thank-yous to Auto Bell for taking me back a third time). I find more pleasure in "the game" of hooking up than the actual act of hooking up. Very few things are more satisfying than getting a girl to sleep with you (the first Dr. Pepper of the day is the end-all-be-all of satisfaction). I'm not trying to sound like a douchebag filled with tools, but its the truth. Think about what really goes on when you sleep with someone. I have the power to go out to a party (for example), meet a girl, and woo them enough that they will take the risk of procreation with me. Can someone say male power trip? You're damn right. I have the power of being able to make a girl come back to my dorm room, take off all her clothes, and have sex with me (disclaimer:I dont get every single girl I mingle with, but that is for the better. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing, so I try and not 'sleep around'. I think that's an all around good idea).
Go ahead and think/say it out loud "This guy's an asshole. He doesn't respect women and is a complete jerk!" Well look here BOZO, I'm just saying what a lot of people are thinking. Yeah, I may be just whining about the lack of sex (or the lack of anything physical in general), but it is getting dumb-long. I'm not relieving stress by smoking anymore, and since I stopped smoking I have started drinking less (because drinking and smoking go together like peas and carrots) so I have all this pent up rage and frustration that only sexual healing can fix. Love Gods and Goddesses, show a little compassion for this lonely soul. I'll be the one with a huge rope of snot hanging out of my nose trying to take my allergy medicine.

....Cut Down a Tree

March 7th - March 15th. VCU, along a couple other Virginia colleges, had their annual spring break. Most freshmen go home since the dorms and Shafer are closed (so survival is impossible). My friend Joey took me home the minute my Focused Inquiry class let out. I brought home my computer, my clothes, and my Human Spirituality book.
My spring break was anything but a break. The second I got my foot over the threshold of my home in Chesapeake, my boss, Evan, called me saying that the car wash was really busy and they were calling in more people. Since my break had officially started, and I was officially broke, I went to work. I worked until 8 that night and didn't make a dime in tip money.
I got home to my parents bickering about how I didn't tell them I had gotten home, and wouldn't accept the excuse that I ran off to work the minute I got in. They were upset that my dirty clothes had stunk up the foyer, and would constantly heckle me for not practicing better hygene (they're dirty clothes.... I don't see how my dirty clothes should smell good. I don't get it.
I woke up early Saturday morning and worked a full day at the carwash. I made a mediocre 40 dollars in tips. I was upset, because I made more money on the clock than for my actual manual labor. I get paid six dollars an hour, and if I can't make at least six dollars in tips in an hour, then I see that day as a complete failure. If you ever get your car washed at Auto Bell, please know how important it is to tip your car detailer. Stiffers will burn in the hottest flames of Hell.
Sunday, however was a crucial day. I made triple of what I had made the day before (in tips and in hours). I had worked myself to the bone that weekend, and it paid off. I was officially not broke. My dad told me as I got home that night from work that a tree had died over the winter in the front yard, and it needed to be cut down. He offered to pay around 250 dollars for me to do it. There isn't much I wouldn't do for 250 bucks, so I agreed to start on it in the morning.
If you want to hate how weak you are, go ahead and try to cut down a tree. You'll look like an ass. My father didn't want me to use a chainsaw because he hadn't had time to show me how exactly to use it. The tools I was allowed to use were an ax, hand saw, and branch clippers. I have never cut down a tree before. It was a 35-45 ft tall Bradford Pear tree. No a monster of a tree, but not a sapling by any means. So I did what came natural, and started using all my strength to hack off branches and limbs from the trunk. This took about 20 minutes. I then realized that I needed to break up all the branches and limbs into twigs and splinters so I could fit them in a garbage can. I spent 4 hours breaking sticks and throwing them into a garbage can. If you want to hate yourself, cut down a tree.

Since the weather in Chesapeake was dreary and gloomy most of the week, Auto bell had very slow business, and I only went back to get my dad's Jeep cleaned with my Employee Wash. So that left one thing to tackle. The tree. I started Monday morning, and worked evenly everyday until Thursday, only being able to cut everything within my arm's length. Friday morning I wake to the sound of chainsaws. I look outside and see a tree service cutting down MY tree. I was furious, that was my tree. I went outside and asked who said they could cut down my tree? They looked to their foreman and he staired at a sheet of paper, and bluntly spoke, "Robert... Colby?" My dad knew I wouldn't be able to finish, so he called in the professionals. I was crushed. I was working as hard as I could and wasn't even close to finishing my job. I enjoyed a Dr. Pepper and a cigarette as I sat and watched them cut down my money tree. They cleared out in under 30 minutes. You would have never known there was ever a tree there if someone didn't point it out to you. That night, My father explained that I had an oustanding overdraft fee that I had yet to notice. He went into a lecture about managing money and how that he knew I wouldn't be able to finish the tree the whole time. The tree was my punishment, and the reward I was suppose to earn from cutting it down was the overdraft amount. So no matter what, I wouldn't have gotten the money from cutting it down. It was kind of depressing, but I got over it. I felt I had accomplished something still. I gave something everything I had, did a considerable amount of work, and got an amazing amount of exercise all at the same time. All because of that dead tree. If you want to to feel like you earned your keep, cut down a tree.

Friday morning my mother called me from work, talking about some work she needed done around the house. She told me she would pay me, since I didn't get paid for the tree. I accepted, and cleaned the house that day. I drove to her work and she paid me 100 bones IN CASH! I was so grateful, I just gave her a hug. I spent that night with friends I hadn't seen in ages. My high school was putting on a pageant. I didn't want to pay, so i told them I was the president of the Stage Crew Club, and I walked right back stage. I hung out and talked with old teachers and former classmen. I enjoyed a Dr pepper and countless brownies while watching the show from backstage. I didn't pay, had the best seat in the house, and got free food. You can't beat that!

Saturday my band, Vicegrip, had a show in Va Beach. We played pretty well for borrowing half of the equipment we used. We sold a few shirts and a few buttons. I wish we had made more than 30 tapes because we ran out awhile ago, but oh well.

I got back into Richmond this morning(Sunday) and will spend the day in the library, catching up on homework and research. Im glad to be back, there was nothing 'break-ish" about my spring break. I will elaborate on a more personal topic that happened over spring break at a later time.

11 Records That Made Me The Person I Am Today

Think of albums, CDs, LPs that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dug into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the wazoo, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now?

1.

ANDREW WK - I GET WET

Questions: Do you like beer? Do you like to party? Do you like to rage?
If you have yet to hear this album then you have not truly raged. This has been one of my favorite albums since its inception. Some haters may say that every song sounds the same, and that's fine. But what those douchers can't understand is that Since the first song is amazing, THEN THEY'RE ALL AMAZING. Get off your high horse and rage to you drop dead. Andrew Wk would have it no other way.

2.

CITY OF CATERPILLAR - SELF TITLED

Easily one of my favorite bands (if not my favorite). They hit everything I want to hear. I heard my brother listening to this in his room when I was in 8th grade. I hated it at first because it wasn't Norma Jean. Upon listening to it over and over, I realized how amazing this album is. It has everything the body needs: Heavy parts, ambient parts, complicated patterns, layers of vocals, etc. Progressive rock/hardcore at its finest in my opinion. The drums are my favorite part of this album (as well as all the other bands they have done after this band. The drums are perfect. No matter what). This is one of the only albums I can listen to beginning to end and hear something I didn't the first time; or appreciate something more and more. Grab it if you can, you won't regret it.

3.

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE - BACKGROUND MUSIC

This album single-handidly changed my life. Before I was into Zao.... And thats about it. My brother and his friends showed me American Nightmare, and life as I knew it shattered. Wes Eisold wrote THE BEST lyrics for any hardcore band. Ever, and I will stick by that until I am proven wrong. This album was way ahead of its time. Perfect blend of melody and mosh. I don't really know how to describe this record. Just that it is very important to me.

4.

CONVERGE - JANE DOE

This should be on everyone's list. The record is timeless. Released in 2001, it is still heavier than most metal/hardcore bands out. Converge has been around since 1990 (if my sources are correct), and have never ceased to amaze me since. This band is one of my all time favorites (up there with American Nightmare). The first song Concubine sets the break neck pace for the rest of the album, and geniously bleeds in Fault and Fracture. I can't describe it in words. Listen to it and you'll see what I mean.

5.

THE LOCUST - SELF TITLED

The first track off of this album, Moth-Eaten Deer Head, still makes me think the same way I did the first time I heard this record: This sounds so much more creepy an evil than most bands could ever hope to achieve. Some of the most interesting music that I have heard. The Locust have been a staple in my ear since I first heard them. They have evolved so much since their creation, but still sound the same (hard to come by nowadays). If they weren't technical enough, they have become even more techinical. The Locust rules. Fuck what you heard.

6.

SOME GIRLS - ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GOING DEATH

This band has members from The Locust and American Nightmare, but sound like niether. This was their first LP (combining two EPs they had released), and the first thing I had heard by them. I thought it was creative and something new to hardcore; and I loved it. Eisold is on the mic, so I knew some great lyrics were going to be forced down my ears. This band/record has been/will be an obsession of mine. I won't stop until I own every peice of everything they have created. I am not even close so far. Some Girls Have All The Fuck...

7.

SWING KIDS - DISCOGRAPHY

Combining an EP and a split, this band brought a jazzier face to hardcore. Bringing Justing Pearson (who later became the bassist for The Locust [I told you The Locust were a staple]) on vocals made this amazing. He is very political, but not as upfront and retarded as say Rise Against. The drums make this record as well, bringing in the jazz element. I cannot get enough of this record, and I am glad to have one of the 3000 that were made.

8.

TARPIT - WAKE UP

My favorite local band (and very high on my favorites in general). Smoke and Mirrors starts off this EP perfectly. Heavy mosh. Crunchy bass and bending guitar strings submerges this entire record in a pool of.... I dunno... just straight ahead hardcore. Mike Lawson has one of the best voices I have heard (check out Kingshead). He also writes some pretty sick lyrics. RIP Tarpit. WE'LL SEND YOU TO WHATEVER GOD YOU PLEASE!!!

9.

EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY - THOSE WHO TELL THE TRUTH SHALL DIE...

Taking a bit of a turn here. My brother bought this record and insisted that I had heard it before (I hadn't but whatever). This record was the most spiritually charged music I had heard by that point in my life. I layed in my bed with the lights, completely in the dark, and blasted it. No vocals, just progressive ambient music. The song A Poor Mans Memory had me at the brink of tears. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. The song prior to it is titled Have you Passed Through This Night? The beginning has a long monologue from the movie, Thin Red Line. The narrator talks about all the evils in the world and its origins. He contemplates if Humans help the world in anyway (very deep intro to a song. its gets you in the mindset). The drums, once again, are incredible in this song. They build up higher and higher, finally breaking. This is a great album. If you are considering getting any of the records I have mentioned, get this one. It will change you.

10.

RESONANCE - DISCOGRAPHY

My second favorite local band. Easily the most emotionally driven band I have witnessed, and one of the most positive. The entire crowd sings along as one when Resonance played. Everyone felt like one collective soul. Jimmy was an excellent frontman. The 6 songs from the demo have left a paw print on my heart. Resonance left and imprint on my youth. If you wanted to know how I felt when I was a confused 15 year old, listen to Resonance. Dammit, listen to Resonance. If any local band ever got MTV big, I'd put all my money on Resonance. They were amazing, and I miss them.

11.

DRAGONSAUR - 4 SONG DEMO

I couldn't find the orginal demo artwork, so i decided to put up a live photo. These four songs, in my eyes, were the best 4 songs that have ever come out of Va Beach. They are all great guys. Great humor and outlook on life. When dragonsaur played, tons of kids would come, hundreds it seemed, just to have fun, jump off stage, and sing along. They were the epitamy, the Mt. Olympus of fun. I will love this band forever. You better believe this demo will be played at my viking funeral. <3>

The Winter is Finally Getting To Me

I have never had a problem with the winter season. I gives me a reason to wear a few layers and cover up my awkwardly shaped body, constantly wear a hat, grow my hair and beard. It also gives me an excuse to stay in my room and have personal time to myself. I have never endured a Winter quite like a Richmond winter. No matter what it will be windy. Wherever you go, the wind will be in your face, biting your face. The extremely rare occasion that it snows, I have learned to not get my hopes up. The snow won't stick (if it is a blizzard outside, the snow will melt the minute it hits the ground/building/etc. It leaves an slush that will stay for days (mixed with the wind and cold air, it is miserable. Enduring this since mid-November, and February is shortly drawing to a close, I can't help but pray for better weather. It is odd for me to wish for summer, because I am not a fan of sweat, but Richmond's unique weather is taking its toll on me. I long to take off my sweaters and jackets. Thoughts of the Spring and Summer remind me of the frequent trips to Richmond I would take after school let out every Summer.

The weather was perfect. Everyone was always outside. Shafer Court, cook-outs, backyard parties, bike rides to Carytown or Bell Isle. Back then I wasn't in the shape I am in now (not saying I am in perfect shape now, but I have definitely lost weight and gained muscle since I moved to Richmond). Richmond has a very mobile culture. A bike is a near necessity if you want to go somewhere quickly. Cars are only needed if where you are going is out of The Fan. Since the weather has been so gloomy and harsh, the custom of riding your bike almost everywhere you go has become difficult. The wind will push you and your bike of course, or try and work against you, no matter which way you navigate. It may sound lazy, but I'd rather just walk the ten blocks than fight the wind and traffic.


I forgot what my point was of this. I am sick of winter. My pants and sweaters are falling apart. Mother Nature, hurry your ass up and flip the Spring switch.

...Even Though We're Just Dancing In The Dark

I have been listening to a ton of Bruce Springsteen lately. I have always found his lyrics to be really good. Not just in a sense as, "Hey he writes well." Its a lot like country in the fact that the lyrics tell stories of running away, lost loves, having good times with friends, and the like. Only recently I have read his lyrics in depth and have noticed some parallels with my life/situation. Most notibley his song Dancing in the Dark. The lyrics read as follows:

I get up in the evening, and I aint got nothing to say
I come home in the morning, I go to bed feeling the same way
I aint nothing but tired, man Im just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You cant start a fire, you cant start a fire without a spark
This guns for hire even if were just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer, radios on and Im moving round the place
I check myself out in the mirror I wanna change my clothes my hair my face
Man I aint getting nowhere just livin in a dump like this
Theres something happening somewhere baby I just know that there is

You cant start a fire, you cant start a fire without a spark
This guns for hire even if were just dancing in the dark

You sit around getting older theres a joke here somewhere and its on me
Ill shake this world off my shoulders come baby this laugh's on me
Stay on the streets of this town and theyll be carving you up alright
They say you got to stay hungry hey baby Im just about starving tonight
Im dying for some action Im sick of sitting round here trying to write This book
I need a love reaction come on now baby give me just one look

You can't start a fire sitting 'round cryin' over a broken heart
This gun's for hire even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worryin' about your little world fallin' apart
This gun's for hire even if we're just dancing in the dark

The first three lines of the song hit home the most to me. I have reflected the exact same way he feels: I don't have anything to say to anyone, I'm tired and bored with myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing in my own sorrow (I'm off to write that hit song, Alone In My Principles), I'm just simply getting sick of the routine I have made for myself (and so is The Boss apparently). Other lines that jab right into the deepest pits of me are:

I check myself out in the mirror I wanna change my clothes my hair my face Man I aint getting nowhere just livin in a dump like this Theres something happening somewhere baby I just know that there is.

Maybe I'm not the only one unhappy about the situation I'm in. I can chant along to the line: I wanna change my clothes my hair my face as long as I have breath in my body. I get up every morning look at the mess of hair I have, put a hat over it, and go about my day. I am not happy with most of my wardrobe (on the sole fact that if someone else bought the same thing I did, they would probably look better in it. CURSE THESE WIDE BIRTH GIVING THIGHS!!!) The boss, judging by his lyrics and the time this was written, wasn't too happy with himself either. He knew there was something wrong with himself and he knew there had to be a way to change, but he didn't know how. He ran. Ran from himself, and his loved ones, trying to lose the person he was. But he realizes that you can't change like that. He sat around and waited, searching for something that would change his life. The title of the song is perfectly named, Dancing in the Dark.



In quick closing, if you're having a crummy, shit, down and out, slumdog of a day, listen to bruce springsteen. 8 times out of 10, you'll cheer up. Start your day out with this video and you'll feel like you can do anything:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rGFfO5fUvE

The Two Bad Positives:

- Drug Tests
- Std Tests

I'm not just sure, I'm HIV positive.

An Update From My Big Mouth

I know I haven't kept up with this like I thought I would, but hey, I'm making an attempt (that's more than most can say). These passed few days (about a week) have been a whirlwind. I caught some disgusting virus, drove all the way back home (Chesapeake, Va) for a dentist appointment, tried to loosen up and have a few drinks, but that didnt work out, I'm behind in behind in school work and I met a girl (its not as gay as it sounds). I thought this semester would be a lot easier but it is turning out to be a continuum of last semester.

I felt fine Wednesday night, but woke up feeling like a fresh pile of ox diarrhea. My throat was a dark bruised red and my head felt like someone put my head in a woodclamp. I got an appointment at the VCU doctor's office for 3:00 pm. I get there 5 minutes late due to sheer groginess and the innability to walk at a swift place. The doctor sees me, and does the standard strep test (an oversized cotton swab crammed down your gag hole... Nothing out of the ordinary). It came back negative, so they did a flu test.
Apparently, the flu test has changed since the last time I had one (its been awhile since I've had the flu, so who knows what other shit they did). They took another oversized swab and instead of lunging it down my throat, I had to take it up the nose. Imagine being a terrorist at Gitmo, and they can't do anything really tortuous to you, but they have a surplus of long cotton swabs and decided to get creative. That is exactly what it felt like. The swab was about 8 inches long, and the doctor put about a good 6 inches of it up my snort-hole. I freaked and pulled her hand away, and pulled the swab out myself, which wasn't pleasant because I think it might have soaked up some brain juice it was so far up there. I finally pull through and it ends up not being the flu but just some annoying virus. I've been coughing up nothing but alien-like mucus since they gave me the meds.

The drive back home to Chesapeake was a drag. This was a day after the doctor and I still felt like ox waste. The drive down 64 from Richmond to chesapeake can be described my one word: Trees. From the minute you leave Richmond from your sights until you reach Hampton Roads there is nothing but a thick tree line. Talk about tunnel vision. Thank god I had my iPod and cigarettes. For fans of hardcore, I'll let you know I was trying to find my position on the on-going debate of which band was better: No Warning or Guns Up! (musically, vocally, and everything else, they could practically be the same band. I'm sure Ben Cook of No Warning has something to say about that). Anyway, I finally get home and have an old lady pick at my teeth and bleed my gums for about an hour. She asks about a tooth that has a noticable chip in it. I didn't want to explain that it broke from being at a FVK show, then slightly chipped from hitting myself in the face with a microphone and then hit in the face again by some dude, so i just told her I bit through a jawbreaker (that seemed to work).

These passed two weeks have been a parching dry-spell for me and by buddy Al Key Hall. I have gotten noticeably tipsy one night and I havent found time to drink since. School is stressing me out because its too easy, which is making me stress out because I feel like I'm doing something wrong, or not doing enough. So by the end of every week, I feel like The Worrier who just runs around worrying about everything. I haven't had/found the chance to kick back and drink a few brews since. I'm not an alcoholic by any means, but it is time to LOOSEN UP AND LOCK OUT.

My one tipsy night flows into the night I met this great girl. Her name is Ashlie, and she goes to VCu as well. She sent me her number and that night was the night we physically met. I immediately connected with her and we hit it off. We went to my friends Lance, Mike and Chandler's house. Since they haven't had any heat since the cold set in, we huddled into Chandler's room on the top floor. It has the most room and we put some space heaters in to keep warm. Ashlie and I cuddled on the bed (I love cuddling. The feeling of someone's embrace is someone thing I can't get enough of. I am a hugger). We shared a 40oz of Steel Reserve and I chugged some Hurricanes. On the way back to her place I asked if I could stay with her (I have NEVER asked that before. I always feel like a complete douche asking). Thankfully, she said yes and we headed back. The minute we got into the elevator on the parking we couldn't stoping kissing. It was great actually connecting with someone and not having one-night-stands. I'm not a big fan of those for some reason. We get into her living room and continued what we stopped when the elevator opened. We didn't have sex, just pecked and held each other. I know some douche reading this is immediately going to think, "YOU COULDA SCOARD BRA!" It wasn't my mission to meet this girl, get her drunk, and have sex with her. I knew I wouldn't be able to "finish" anyway since I pretty intoxicated, so we left it at that and went to bed.

HOWS THAT FOR A FUCKING UPDATE!!!!

music fans, I am currently listening to:
Fucked Up - Hidden World
Guns Up! - Outlive
No Warning - Ill Blood
Cruel Hand - Prying Eyes
An Albatross - The An Albatross Family Album

...check these out if you haven't already. But if you're into hardcore or anything of the sort, you'd have to be sheltered as fuck to have not have heard these by now. Well, except An Albatross. But they're sweet. listen to them.

The First Post

Hey I'm Knox Colby, and this is my blog. Its the second day of the spring semester at VCU. Class is alright (STAT 208, Human Spirituality, Astronomy, and Focused Inquiry II). I got a new bike, and added rainbow lights to the wheels. They are motion sensored, so the minute you hit the road at night, the lights go off in flashes of different neon colors (by law its required to have lights on your bike at night, and how more ovious could be than rainbows lights at night?).

My first day was a complete failure, however. I missed a class, popped a bike tube, forgot to buy my books for a class, and forgot to do an assignment over the winter break for Monday. Shit was awful.
The point of this blog is to keep a log of rediculous/funny/memorable things that I have said/done or people have said/done. Furthermore, its is for me to look back on and be able to see everything I've done (since I have a hard time rememberign little things I liked from a month ago or so) through my years in college.
I dont think people will look at this. This is basically for personal use only, but feel free to read all the stories I will put in here for your amusement.


-Knox R. Colby